Not eating is so much easier than eating. Just like not doing my hw is so much easier than doing my hw. Not making friends is so much easier than making friends. Not being happy is so much easier than being happy.

I’ve started taking prozac but I still have a constant desire to starve and I sometimes want to purge but I never do. I just want to disappear. I asked some girls the other day if I would be too thin if I lost 10 lbs and they said no so I def need to lose 10 lbs but probably more like 25…I know that I am going to spiral out of control again here soon and part of me honestly just can’t wait.

Entirely obsessed with looking at my body to see if my bones are showing yet.

I ate what seemed like a normal-large amount of food for nearly a week and I still maintained! I didn’t even count calories! I think that I’ve finally got this. I’m going to be thin before I know it. I had about 1000 cals yesterday and today I had only about 600 plus I worked 300 off at the gym and I feel awesome and not hungry but tired because today was the first day of classes and I’m about to sleep for 9 glorious hours and then three classes tomorrow and pilates in the evening and maybe ill lose more weight! Going to eat super well too obv :]

I have a massive headache and I thought it was just because I needed to smoke. Then I smoked a bowl and it is still there. Maybe I need caffeine so I’m drinking a diet mtdew. I am so lazy. If I were to answer the question ‘what did you do this summer?’ It would be so lame. I worked 30hrs a week, and in my spare time I made numerous lists of all kinds of things and I wasted time on my exboyfriend who won’t talk to me and I hung out with my cat and I went to the beach alone a bunch of times and to the library and gym on good days and I slept a ton and lost a lb and gained a lb over and over and over and I’ve stressed and been obsessed and everything is all the same anyway.

The list of all my food that I made the other day went missing. Like hello..where the fuck did it go? No idea. Shit always goes missing. I think I’m just crazy but my apartment is so small there aren’t that many places for things to get lost.

I really have no friends here..so lonely.

Its really rare when I am hungry. I get hungry late at night though. Last night I had binge of 2 mini cupcakes and half a cup of grapes. I didn’t plan out my food today (because my list got lost) so I haven’t eaten any breakfast and I’m getting hungry but I honestly just don’t want to eat…nothing is good enough to eat (too many calories) so I will just drink diet soda and smoke weed and then head to work.

I work at a daycare and we have snack in the morning and afternoon. A lot of times snack time at work is my downfall haha no joke.

I have pretty much been consumed by food for the last nine hours. I started making a grocery list at 6. Went to the grocery at 9. Left the store at 11 - spent approx $100. I came home and put grocerys away and organized all my food. I then made a list of 99% of the food in my kitchen (something I did a few weeks ago - this is a new updated list though). This time I indicated the amount per serving/calories of everything. I measured out a lot of things (chips, cereal, cottage cheese, apple sauce, grapes, pudding). I could tell you the calories in each of those off the top of my head (140/100, 120, 80, 50, 110, 50). I then planned out my meal for tomorrow. I want to aim for 1700 but less is cool. I planned 820 with dinner open to go out with friends (maybe). I also planned Sunday. Instead of going by meals I picked 3 dairy 3 protein 2 fruits 2 veggies 2 grains and 2 fats (idk seemed like good portions) and the result was 1183 total cals which I think is pretty good! Plus exercise both days obv. These are my thoughts. It is now 3. In the morning. Goodbye 9 hours of my life are you kidding why did I just do all this shit?? Sleep I am ready now..oh wait I need to put my clothes away. Really.

It is perfectly normal to select 1/2 cup of peas as dinner and to eat it slowly, three peas at a time.

50 mins of cardio today. Let’s do 60 tomorrow :]

Ate too much yesterday but i am doing great today! Going to get a snack..hopefully the scale drops tomorrow.

I think I am going to try to drink more water…one glass for each diet mt dew at least!

I seriously don’t understand how you’re supposed to eat 2000 calories a day. No less than 1200. 900 and below is a starvation diet. How is this all possible? I made a meal plan for tomorrow with an aim of 900 and it ended up being 710 calories. Yet looking at my food choices it seems like plenty!

Breakfast-coco puff cereal & milk: 150cal Snack-grapes: 60cal Lunch-carrots and cashews: 140cal Snack-1/2apple and applesaunce: 90cal Dinner-broccoli and yogurt: 110cal Snack-2 oreos and milk: 160cal

Granted I will be having small portions but still that seems like plenty to keep me full and an overall good variety also. I really need to keep up with calorie counting and portion awareness (measuring out my food! I want a scale but I really don’t have spaced for it).

I plan to go to the gym and run/walk 3 miles..maybe more or maybe some elliptical. And also I can weigh myself. I hope hope hope I am below 120. That’s all I need for tomorrow anyway. I want this is happen. I need to stay strong and not be lazy. I can do this! There is nothing keeping me from getting rid of 10-20 lbs if I work out regularly and eat like this everyday. All it takes is a little bit of planning and being aware of what I decide to eat. Also it is important to keep only healthy stuff around!